Thursday, February 25, 2021

Why I Dislike Disaster Films and Why I'm Stuck On This Fucking Scene


So... I'm still stuck on the same scene I've been stuck on for the last three nights. Well, no, I'm not stuck per se. I know what I want to happen and all that right down to the dialogue... It's just I'm looking at this and all I can think about is how tired I am and how loud the TV is in the background. It's some disaster film-- Ben loves those. I don't. I think they're terrible actually. I don't like to watch realistic movies where everyone is suffering and struggling. I don't like to watch movies where kids get hurt or separated from their families. Last weekend we watched Doctor Sleep and the scene with Baseball Boy and Rose's crew gave me nightmares. It still bothers me if I let myself think about it. Now, that said, Doctor Sleep is fantastic and I loved it. I'll have to listen to the book. But still... that scene...ugh. 

    Actually, I guess that's not entirely true-- Pet Sematary is one of my favorite movies (the first one) and we all know what happens to Gage. But I think the fact that it all sort of happens off screen makes

it easier. I mean, I love horror films-- like good, legit horror films not bloodbath-torture-porn. Fuck that noise. Like, the first Paranormal Activity movie, The Exorcist, The Autopsy of Jane Doe, IT (both versions)... all stellar. But I guess that's because they're all ghost stories more or less and as far as I know, ghosts aren't real and I will probably never find myself in the position of doing a midnight autopsy on the corpse of a dead witch. And, if any demon should possess me, I'm pretty sure my anxiety and depression would make them regret their decision pretty quick. 

    Demon: Your soul is mine now!

    Me: Well, okay. If you can find it you can have it, I guess.

    Demon: Foolish mortal...wait... why're you? ... Jeeze, what's going on? Why...why is everything wound so tight in here? I mean... is something bad going to happen? 

   Me: I dunno. Anxiety says so, soooo... probably. Wanna over think it together?

    Demon: I... I mean... it just feels like everything in here is about to get into a fight with something and I don't know what it is... but at the same time I don't care because everything sucks anyway and I'm bad at everything I do.  ...Why do I suddenly feel so pathetic?!

    Me: Yeah, that's the depression. You get used to that. Want me to take a trazodone and we can both go to sleep?

    Demon: Yeah... yeah... let's do that. Maybe we'll feel better in the morning.  

    Me: Aw, you're optimism is cute. 

    And that's why ghost stories don't bother me. I can handle ghosts. What I can't handle is real life disaster stuff because I know that shit is a real possibility and not even my super nihilism powers can shrug that off. 

    To my husband, I guess, these disaster films are cathartic. He's a low level prepper and he takes

comfort in making sure we're prepared for shit like that. Those movies are like goddamned training videos for him. He loves them and I don't begrudge him that. His super prepper powers are what let us cruise through this pandemic with little to no trouble so far.

    But anyways, I'm staring at the same scene and for the life of me, can't finish it. I don't know why. It's a good scene. But I just can't seem to find the right words. And that's a problem. Because on a draft you shouldn't need the right words. The right words come later. But I can't write a draft. My brain isn't designed for outlines and plotting drafts. It's always working in final draft mode so I'll fixate on a little thing until it's just right at the expense of an hour. The funny thing is... that on the second round that paragraph will be edited and changed, and on the third go round it'll probably be gone entirely. Soooo.... there went that hour... right down the fucking drain. 

    I'm going to go back and try it again. Wait here.

     Hmm... well, what do you know. I finished the scene and it only took about twenty minutes. It's not great, but it will do for the moment, I guess. I mean, that's what I'm telling myself anyway. It will do. 

Moving on.

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